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Getting a reluctant spouse to go to marriage counseling with you isn't easy. People have barriers and put up their defenses when they don't want to go. But whether they are inclined to cooperate or not depends on broaching the topic in a non-confrontational way. Here are some ideas to help you navigate the waters of relationship counseling.
Tell Your Spouse You Feel Lost
Many times, people are reluctant to go to counseling because they feel like it's going to be nothing but hearing about how they are failing and where they are lacking. Denial is a common reaction when the subject is brought up. Many times, the other spouse was unaware there was even a problem or feels more comfortable just ignoring it, hoping things will magically get better.
Tell your spouse you feel lost, like something is not quite right, but that you feel powerless to really identify your feelings beyond that. Emphasize that you are worried you aren't sure about your role and responsibilities as their mate and just want to explore your options together as a couple; explain that you need a blueprint and want help from an objective outsider.
Presenting it like this isn't lying, it's making sure you aren't alienating your partner and forcing them to stubbornly dig in their heels. No one wants to hear "you need to change or else!" Approach it as an activity that will be good for you, both as individuals and as a couple.
Don't Let Pride Prevent You From Getting What You Really Want
Pride can be a precarious thing to struggle with. A hallmark of pride in a marriage is usually the presence of a never-ending power struggle. Each partner thinks they are right and the other is wrong. Instead of a loving and intimate marriage, you get a stalemate. This allows the seeds of bitterness to grab hold and take root, the fruit of which is usually a sense of entitlement and superiority, which in turn drives the wedge deeper.
Throughout any successful marriage, people have to take turns giving in. Maybe you feel like you're the one who always has to give in, but do you want to "win," or do you want a better marriage? If it requires taking more of the blame initially, so be it. The next time your spouse voices their complaints or an argument occurs, say "you're probably right; I don't know how to change this on my own; will you help me?" They likely won't know what to say, but after the initial shock wears off, you can remind your spouse that this is one of the reasons you want to go to counseling together, to make it more satisfying for you both.
Go Yourself
If your spouse absolutely refuses to go, you will understandably feel angry and maybe abandoned, like you're in this marriage on your own. Don't let that anger and fear keep you from getting help for yourself, however. When you stop wasting your energy on placing blame and withholding affection and refocus that energy on improving yourself, the dynamics do change in the marriage, even if your partner hasn't. Many times, the reluctant spouse feels less pressure and more interest when they see the other changing. This may even inspire willingness to get on board. Either way, you will feel better and will be a better partner as a result, which can only be a good thing.
Consider contacting a relationship counselor like Sharon O'Connell, MA for more information.
Share14 December 2016
